A divorce results from the inability of the couple in a dysfunctional marriage to successfully address marital issues. Many a psychologist has written at great lengths on strategies to save a marriage. This article is not intended to add to that wealth of information. This article, based on personal experience, is intended to serve as a User’s Manual to a divorcing couple, as well as their ecosystem.
Many Perspectives
A couple goes for a divorce as a surgical solution to chronic marital discord. We find that our society is very tolerant, even accepting of dysfunctional marriages – we even attribute marital dysfunction to “mid-life crisis,” “hormonal changes,” and the like – and we choose the convenient path of turning a blind eye to the tell-tale signs of discord. It is only when we hear of a couple going on a divorce path do we wake up to try to fix the “problem.” A marriage, howsoever dysfunctional, fits within our “comfort zone,” while a divorce does not! And, in the eyes of society, the “problem” is the divorce, and not the poor quality of the relationship of the divorcing couple. We typically look to the divorce implications from a frame of reference of a functional marriage, and are unable, though willing, to see the world from the viewpoint of the divorcing couple.
From the viewpoint of the divorcing individuals, such involvement turns out to be no “help.” The individuals are already doing their best to cope with the physical and emotional aspects of the separation. The help they need in the adjustment to the life transition is an affirmation of their difficult decision, an assurance of continued acceptance in society in spite of the imminent change in their life status, offer of support to manage day-to-day activities that were hitherto shared by two individuals, and similar matters.
What a divorcing individual does not need is additional deliberation on his/her decision that has already been arrived at with years of tolerance and intense introspection. What a divorcing individual does not need is to have to justify to others in a different world why the decision taken by the individual is a good one from his/her vantage point. What a divorcing individual does not need is the burden of culture, religion, tradition, and the fear of societal isolation on account of being a “non-conformist.” What a divorcing individual does not need is to stand before self-appointed moral judges and jury to plead his/her case.
Cast of Characters
The intense subject of divorce accentuates certain latent characteristics amongst friends and family. People will come across to you with behaviors and opinions that you would not have imagined they were capable of demonstrating. Here is an attempt to bring out different roles and behaviors that one could come across:
“Inquiring Minds Need To Know (IMNTK)”. The very private matter of divorce between two individuals becomes a matter of public interest. But most IMNTK do not have the emotional strength to know the entire picture. They are content with the pieces of the story that they are capable to digest, those that suit their comfort zone, and would continue to digest it and propagate to others.
“Curious George (CG)”. A CG is a more determined IMNTK. While an IMNTK will mostly indulge in covert activities to satisfy their “need to know,” a CG will be very overt, proactive, and persistent. One could say that a CG “has to know”!
“Snake In the Grass (SIG)”. SIGs usually have an axe to grind against you or another individual, and will exploit a divorce situation to make their move. These are the most dangerous – as they would be superficially friendly and smiling, but up to their agendas in the background. Their covert activities can include finding the right opportunity to make a strike on their “enemy”, helping with stalking your movements by reporting your sightings, etc.
“The Know-Alls (TKA)”. TKAs are an authority about your divorce. They know details that even you might not know, and they know events before they even occur.
“I Live My Life Through You (ILMLTY)”. ILMLTY might themselves have some dysfunctions in their relationships, but do not have the guts to take any action. They are proud of you for having taken charge of your life, but would want you to lead the life they would have if they had liberated themselves. ILMLTY can be strong supporters, if their imposition and prescriptions can be managed. They have a strong potential to be converted into the next category, PUY.
“People that Uplift You (PUY)”. While the world is trying to find their own comfort zone given the impulsive roles described above, it is extremely important for parties in the divorce to be clearly able to distinguish between those that can uplift you and those that put you down. PUYs can range from casual acquaintances that are indifferent to your situation (hence, non-damaging) to close confidants (who will be your witness and give you direction as you navigate the land mines, even stepping on a few along the way)
The intent of characterizing the above is two-fold. For the divorcing individual, it is to be wise to choose the ones that can help and not hurt your already difficult situation. For the society at large, it is to try to fit in the PUY category – even if you choose to be indifferent, it can be a great help to the parties involved.
Quality of Life
Quality of Life (QOL) is at the heart of the U.S. Constitution – liberty, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness. Yet, it is so common to find these basic QOL principles being blatantly violated in Indian marriages. What is worse is that the violators consider it their entitlement to continue to behave in ways that undermine the marital partner’s QOL.
The victims of QOL violation adopt various strategies for survival. Some adopt a fatalistic view that they were destined to live as they do. Personal insecurities, inability to deal with the uncertainty of the future, paranoia about the wrath of the oppressor, are all factors that lead to a fatalistic acceptance of the status quo.
Some others become inert to the oppression. What they would have been extremely sensitive to at one point, they now become indifferent to those abuses, and weave around them a psychological protective shell.
Yet others keep the “dream” of a normal life alive through all the oppression. Keeping a dream alive comes with an extreme amount of associated pain in not succumbing to their reality, forcing oneself to see the “light” on the darkest of days, and a strong conviction that there has to be a better life.
It is not to imply that individuals are seen to be bucketed in the above and more specific categories. Rather, an individual might find himself/herself spending their time in modes as the above, as life continues to dole out its merciless acts.
People try various tools to do a repair job on their relationship – counselors, family and friends, psychology books, and others. The effectiveness of these tools depends on the extent of the relationship damage, as well as a recognition on the part of both individuals that the relationship is chronically broken.
And it takes a “snapping of the rubber band” – an event of oppression that pushes an individual beyond the edge – for an individual to take charge of their life and decide to proceed with a divorce.
Relationship and Marriage
While a marriage is the cementing of a relationship, the relationship aspect of the marriage tends to dull over time to a point of dysfunction. Kahlil Gibran is very articulate about what preserves and nurtures a relationship - see Appendix A.
What makes a relationship fulfilling is an abundance of mutual and unconditional love, care, support, nurturing, encouragement, motivation. This is what defines the sanctity of a relationship. Unfortunately, we have been brought up to respect the sanctity of a marriage, not the relationship. What good is the sanctity of a marriage in which all the good relationship characteristics are missing? Ironically, our culture turns a blind eye at the sanctity of the relationship, while doing its utmost to uphold the sanctity of the marriage. It is about time that our social institutions reset their priorities to strengthen relationships, which in turn will result in strong marriages.
Divorce and Children
That a divorce negatively affects the children of divorcing parents is a widely subscribed school of thought. This school of thought is also subscribed to by divorcing parents until they see the scars of the bad marriage on their children. Individuals might choose to defer or not pursue a divorce “for the sake of” children. This does not, however, improve the quality of the marriage until such time. Constant negativity in the house, mutual disrespect, scorn, and profanity, any other forms of spousal abuse leave long term impressions on the minds of children. Generally, a divorce brings peace in the lives of the incompatible individuals, and eliminates the tense, negative climate in the house. Such a climate is, without doubt, conducive to the well-being of the children.
Proponents of the “divorce is bad for the children” compare children of divorced parents with children in families that are not dysfunctional. Any observed differences between the two categories can be attributed to the effect of the negative climate in the house rather than the divorce. There is no doubt that raising children in a functional family environment is good for the children. There is also no doubt that a child subjected to a negative home environment is better off with the elimination of such negativity. A divorce only happens to be a terminal solution resorted to by the incompatible couple.
Divorce and Noise
While severe disagreements are the prime cause of a divorce, it is unreasonable to expect that both individuals would agree to pursue the dissolution of the marriage and to the timing and mechanics of such dissolution. The differences of opinion about the dissolution of the marriage frequently cause the negativity of the relationship to peak as the divorce process cranks along. This negativity can manifest itself in the form of derisive and offensive communication, profanity, physical abuse, bad-mouthing to other individuals, threats, coercion, blackmail, etc. Such negative behaviors on the part of divorcing individuals is referred to as “noise” in this article.
While some individuals in the divorce process indulge impulsively in noise, sometimes the environment also does not help in the suppression of such behavior. “Well-wishers” can unwittingly contribute to the noise by being inquisitive about the divorce to the noisy individual. Such stimuli are sufficient to incite a volatile individual. The presence of the other person in the in the house until the time of the divorce/settlement can also trigger noise, as the volatile person finds an easy target to vent his/her negativity. At times, the noise occurs in the form of pleas from one person to the other to not proceed with the divorce.
Regardless, the noise can be very traumatic to the receiver. It is natural to counter noise with noise – but, this only leads to escalation. It is best to exercise self-control, and walk away from the noise. Noise is best combated by ignoring it. It must be recognized that the creators of noise can go to great lengths to engage the other person in combat. The path is rife with traps and land-mines. Hence, to leave the battlefield is the best policy.
Gender Nuances
It is true that historically in the Indian society, females have found themselves economically and physically insufficient to lead their life as a single person. This has resulted in the females being automatically assumed to be victims and worthy of sympathy in divorce situations. Complementarily, males are perceived to be the causes of the trauma to the females. The sympathy bias towards the female is evident in the attitude of society and also the legal system. But it must also be recognized that females are no less capable of inflicting trauma on males, and manipulating the environment to their benefit.
Females also have a natural support network of other female confidantes – with strong relationships to seek emotional strength. On the contrary, males are typically loners, and their friends circle is usually of a superficial nature. They also do not have the temperament to open up and discuss their feelings with others.
It is suggested that any person in a divorce situation, regardless of gender, ensures that they have a meaningful support structure. One should not preclude members of the other gender to include in their support structure. Perspectives and advice that one could get from a member of the other gender can be very insightful in dealing with the difficult situation of a divorce.
In Summary – “May Peace Be With You”
A divorce is a difficult life transition. It is a conscious decision taken with conviction. It is important that the parties in the divorce maintain their sense of emotional balance, and focus on the future as they go through the process. While negative sentiments about the other party are inevitable, the vicious cycle can be ended only if one of them chooses to take the high road with the philosophy, “May Peace Be With You.”
The people around them have a choice to get involved. If they don’t, it is not held against them by the divorcing couple or by society. If they choose to get involved, they might want to ask the divorcing couple how they could get involved rather than presupposing the help needed by the couple. Help is most meaningful when it is aligned with the needs of those being helped.
APPENDIX A
THE PROPHET
THE PROPHET
by Kahlil Gibran
CHAPTER 3 - MARRIAGE
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
No comments:
Post a Comment