Having experienced a recent bereavement, we are in the midst of a wave of visits - the back-pats, hugs, and difficult conversations - and phone calls, text messages, and e-mails. Whereupon, I did my usual thing - to condole or to console? I looked up the word "condole" (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/condole?s=t), and found the following definition: to express sympathy with a person who is suffering sorrow, misfortune, or grief.
Clearly, a condolence is an action on the part of the condoler, that (s)he may do as a matter of duty or ritual. But, is that really what the person in grief is looking for? What the griever is looking for is a way to cope with the grief, accept the loss, regain the balance, and move on. A condolence does very little towards these objectives. If at all, it forces the griever to relive the loss, remember what they would be better off forgetting, staying in the past while the need of the hour is to move into the future. It is not that the griever suddenly wants to forget the deceased. What the griever needs is help with the transition brought about by the transition. What the griever needs is someone who can console, which is defined (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/console?s=t) as: to alleviate or lessen the grief, sorrow, or disappointment. This has bearing to the word solace, which is about the recipient.
A consolation could be not talking about the deceased or the recent loss. It could be taking the bereaved out for a funny movie and eating ice-cream after that; it could be taking the bereaved shopping; providing other distractions; perhaps, just leaving them alone; being available to lend a ear for anything that the bereaved may want to talk about, without judgment whether her/his indulgence in certain activities or behaviors is "appropriate" for the condition caused by the recent bereavement. The key here is that it is the bereaved that is the center of the action, and her/his needs paramount; unlike in a condolence, where, for the most part, the needs of the bereaved happen to be of secondary consideration.
I write this as a matter of learning. For me to manage my own recovery from griefs precipitated by deaths, as well as deeper ones that linger and persist. There are and will continue to be more of these. Also, for me to be able to conduct myself effectively towards others when they are affected. Towards a benefit to them, without regard to having a check-mark on my sheet.
Condolences are dead! Long live the consolations!
Clearly, a condolence is an action on the part of the condoler, that (s)he may do as a matter of duty or ritual. But, is that really what the person in grief is looking for? What the griever is looking for is a way to cope with the grief, accept the loss, regain the balance, and move on. A condolence does very little towards these objectives. If at all, it forces the griever to relive the loss, remember what they would be better off forgetting, staying in the past while the need of the hour is to move into the future. It is not that the griever suddenly wants to forget the deceased. What the griever needs is help with the transition brought about by the transition. What the griever needs is someone who can console, which is defined (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/console?s=t) as: to alleviate or lessen the grief, sorrow, or disappointment. This has bearing to the word solace, which is about the recipient.
A consolation could be not talking about the deceased or the recent loss. It could be taking the bereaved out for a funny movie and eating ice-cream after that; it could be taking the bereaved shopping; providing other distractions; perhaps, just leaving them alone; being available to lend a ear for anything that the bereaved may want to talk about, without judgment whether her/his indulgence in certain activities or behaviors is "appropriate" for the condition caused by the recent bereavement. The key here is that it is the bereaved that is the center of the action, and her/his needs paramount; unlike in a condolence, where, for the most part, the needs of the bereaved happen to be of secondary consideration.
I write this as a matter of learning. For me to manage my own recovery from griefs precipitated by deaths, as well as deeper ones that linger and persist. There are and will continue to be more of these. Also, for me to be able to conduct myself effectively towards others when they are affected. Towards a benefit to them, without regard to having a check-mark on my sheet.
Condolences are dead! Long live the consolations!
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