Perhaps, recognizing the same dynamic, Shobhaa has interspersed her book with "nuggets" - about one every 6 pages of the 287-pages-book, and also provided a bullet-list of highlights at the end of each of the twenty-five chapters.
So, here I extracted the nuggets into a Quick-Start-Manual (a Quickie, I may say, in Shobhaa's catty style) for those of us who can benefit from the messages but don't have the time and patience to read the book. You may get the feeling that the book is directed at women more than men, written in the Indian context and, at times, may come across sexist (as liberal/liberated as she is, she is also in acceptance of the contemporary society in which women need to survive and thrive) - but the principles seem to be universal, and I found no difficulty in internationalizing and masculinizing (?) the messages for my own benefit.
Even the most attentive partner can occasionally misread signals - don't make an issue out of it. Instead, go ahead and say what you need to. (p17)
Women carry on about 'feelings' ad nauseam. Men can't. We might as well accept this and teach ourselves to talk their language. (p25)
Recognize the difference between exchanging information and sharing ideas (p28)
Don't involve a third person in your fights. No person can be entirely impartial, which means one of you will cry foul - leading to another fight. (p38)
People say friends are for keeps. I am not so sure. Especially after marriage. Friendships that intrude or demand too much from either partner are best shunned. (p46)
Friends are not part of your dowry. Don't expect your partner to accept them instantly. (p49)
Arranged marriages have as much of a chance of working out as love marriages. Don't feel embarrassed about opting for the former. (p56)
Not all love marriages pan out the way they do in Bollywood films. Keep your rose-tinted shades on if you must, but watch out for those clouds. (p61)
Living through a spell of 'foul weather' in a marriage is one thing; living with a 'foul partner' is quite another. (p66)
Children exposed to a foul marriage get permanently damaged. The scars rarely heal. (p71)
Never discuss the dirty details with outsiders. Not even with 'well meaning' relatives and 'best friends'. All you're doing is providing grist for the gossip mills. (p76)
Be truthful with your kids, but don't go overboard with gory personal details. Tell them only as much as they need to know. (p81)
Marriage is not a business arrangement. Don't convert it into one, with terms and conditions spelt out contractually. (p88)
Trusting your partner is a good policy. But it's worthwhile to stay informed about your personal assets. (p101)
If you are a smart chick, you don't have to fake dumbness in order to make your partner shine. (p110)
Never talk down to your partner. Even in the privacy of your bedroom. (p115)
Trying to be one-up on your partner displays just one thing - insecurity. (p123)
People always look surprised when a wife challenges her husband's point of view in public. (p126)
Insist on fair play and transparency at all times. Too many men take full control over their wife's bank balance, without revealing their own. (p131)
Give in when it comes to personal quirks that drive a partner crazy. Wet towel on the bed? Pick it up - it's a quicker solution than fighting over who should do it. (p138)
Passion does not recognize age; it is certainly not reserved for teenagers. Ask M. F. Husain, if you don't believe me! (p148)
If you don't feel good about yourself, you can't make your partner feel good either. Work on your self-esteem and confidence, and see the difference. (p156)
Remember, sex is often in the head. Do not mock, criticize or rate a 'performance'. Sex is not a challenge with a trophy at the end. (p161)
Marital routines are unavoidable. But it helps to break them occasionally and do something unpredictable and unexpected. (p170)
Watch out for those 'harmless' flirtations - they have a nasty way of backfiring, especially if they occur on a holiday and follow you back to your home. (p175)
Two can play the cheating game. Are you ready to accept or overlook your partner's fling? (p180)
If there are no sparks left in your marriage and you can't do without casual affairs, why are you still in the marriage? (p185)
There is no substitute for togetherness - physical and emotional. (p192)
If long separations are unavoidable, make a set of rules about 'staying connected'. Don't look at those awful phone bills with horror - communication is your lifeline under the circumstanes. (p197)
Don't make the missing partner feel guilty about extended absences - he/she will run in the opposite direction rather than be forced to deal with the accusations of neglect. (p200)
Self-sufficiency is the spin-off from such an arrangement. Separations have a way of making partners feel less dependent, less clingy, less demanding. (p205)
Compromise need not be a dirty word if it works both ways - sometimes you give in, sometimes your partner does. (p210)
Hit the delete button when it comes to ego. There's no shame in meeting your partner halfway. (p213)
Don't try and score brownie points over your mother-in-law. Give her the entire cookie jar, instead! (p220)
Leave your husband out of daily squabbles. Bickering over unimportant stuff like who gets to holiday where, is silly and counterproductive. (p223)
Mothers-in-law should kill with kindness and generosity. Don't give your heart to your bahu, but hand over everything else. You'll feel so much lighter. (p230)
Remember, it's difficult for a mother to 'surrender' her son to a 'stranger'. Deal with her initial hurt with understanding and patience - for your own sake. (p235)
Competing for your attention with a new-born is a no-win situation for the poor husband. Don't allow that to happen. Get him to participate, instead. (p242)
Make the effort to dress and look the way you usually do. Pregnancy and childbirth are not afflictions to be endured. You should be looking your best during this period. (p247)
When you start looking outside your marriage for the all-important 'dependability factor', you should see it as an early warning sign that your relationship needs working on. (p256)
If complete self-sufficiency is everything, why bother with marriage at all? The decision to marry suggests a desire to share your life with another. (p261)
Most women use their sexuality to advantage when faced with situations that demand it. (p264)
Intimacy does not grow in a cold environment. It is like a hothouse bloom. Think of intimacy as an orchid and you'll automatically nurture it. (p270)
A healthy marriage needs the assurance that a partner will come through in an emergency, no matter what. (p275)
Follow the 'TTT' rule - Time, tolerance and tenderness. You need all three in abundance to make your marriage sing. (p278)
2 comments:
Aseem, that was wondrful. Shobha De has been a very candid and thought provoking writer. ANd here, she comes with the nuggets of worldly wisdom in relation to marriage, and living with your partner.
A happy partnership thrives only when:
"Hit the delete button when it comes to ego. There's no shame in meeting your partner halfway. (p213)"
So true.
But easier said than done , na !!
Cheers
Thank you for the synopsis and highlights of the book. Agree there are some valuable nuggets of wisdom in the book. Essentially they rest on one's own integrity, mutual trust, respect, and commitment. There is no relationship that is perfect. They ALL need work. Once the initial euphoria fades, it is friendship and what you have in common that keeps the fire of passion and commitment glowing.
Several years ago Arlie Russell Hochschild (Berkeley Sociology Prof.) wrote a classic book, "The Second Shift". In my humble opinion, it is a landmark and seminal work in dissecting social arrangements that cause rifts. In particular, the section on the "stalled revolution" is worthy of a second reading.
Vibha Puri
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